Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Well, theoretically....

This is an evil rant.

Have you ever spoken to a geeky creature who looks like he spends the best part of his life hiding from the sun in a windowless room where he spends 16 hours surfing the net? Such denizens of the dark usually are part of three or four hundred different social-networking site, trying to fool themselves into thinking that they are loved by people they don't really give a flying toss about. A common characteristic of this species is the frenetic pace at which they change their profile pictures and favourite quotes section on facebook.

If you walk in on them while they're in the midst of making really scary youtube comments (example: Yo, jojosunlovesmarilynmonroe66, I have done a statistical analysis of the stupidity of your comments and it is apparent to me that your kind needs to be eradicated. Give me your address and I will come and inject you with madcow disease so that you can die after writhing in agony.), they will look at you with bespectacled, bewildered, blinking eyes. Now, I am a strong man at heart and pretty dauntless in general, but I generally recoil out of the room when confronted with that bewildered look. I think I am fair in christening this species as Homo unpleasantus. I am pretty sure that they can't breed with Homo sapiens sapiens anymore.

Well, they irritate me.

One aspect of this extremely creepy species that particularly annoys me is their tendency to begin every reply with the word "theoretically".

I may have miscommunicated previously by lending a sliver of intelligence to the specimen's youtube comment. Usually, they come equipped with imaginative grammar; are physics/computer science/maths geek-wannabes; believe that their squalid taste in art renders them on a higher plane than everyone around them; and are basically destined to be punched violently in the throat. I am sorry; they're usually complete morons who suffer from an everest sized delusion of grandeur with respect to their intellect. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that they tend to begin all their answers with the aforementioned word.

Examples:

Me: What time is it?

Homo unpleasantus: Theoretically,....


Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

HU: Theoretically,...the copenhagen interpretation of quantum electrodynamics states...


Would you like strawberry or vanilla?

Theoretically...


What's your name?

Err...basically,....but theoretically....


May I punch you very violently in the throat and then proceed to jump up and down on your limp form on the floor?

Theoretically,...


Yes, they are incapable of beginning a sentence without their favourite crutch: "Theoretically,..." I can't stand this anymore. Theory doesn't figure in your selection of ice-cream or your desire to avoid being beaten to within a femtometre of your life. Someone needs to do one of two things: round them up and treat their addiction to this word or punch all of them damn hard in the throat so that they're, theoretically, never able to say theoretically again.

2 comments:

Leah said...

I love that we all knew who you were talking about here.... I wonder of homo unpleasantus would recognize himself if he read this.

conversationalmitochondrion said...

I am going to experiment with this concept soon.